Keeping Secrets Read online

  She tries on a pair of dark denim jeans and they really rock. “Here, try these on, they’ll look good on you,” she says as she takes them off and tosses them at me.

  So I squeeze them over my hips and zip ‘em up. God, they fit perfect, low and tight, these are seriously the coolest, but when I look at the price tag, it’s more than I make in two weeks, and there’s just no way I can afford it. So I hand them back to M and think about how much it sucks living in Southern California when you’re impoverished. It’s such a celebrity stuffed, look-at-me place, and if you’re gonna live here you’ve got to try to keep up. I mean, sometimes I wish I didn’t care about having stuff, but I just can’t help it. I’m a resident.

  I help her carry all the bags to her car and then she hands me the one with the cool jeans, and goes, “Here, they look better on you anyway.”

  I hold the bag in my hand and go, “I can’t take these from you.”

  “But they’re not from me. They’re from my father. Enjoy.”

  “But what if he finds out?”

  “God, you’re such a Girl Scout. Relax, he won’t find out. Besides, he does not want to mess with me right now. He just doesn’t.” She slams the door, and starts the car and pulls into traffic.

  So we’re driving around, trying to figure out what to do next when we see the Java Daze sign and decide to go in. It’s this really cool, independent coffee bar and last time we went there we saw Brad and Jen wearing tank tops and cargo pants and drinking chai teas.

  M orders her coffee first and I hate to admit it but she’s a totally typical California coffee drinker. You know what I mean? It’s like, “I’ll have a cafe latte please, but with skim milk not two percent, and with nonfat whipped cream, and I’ll put my own sprinkles on so if you could just give them to me in a little cup on the side please.” By the time she’s finished it’s like the next day already. When it’s my turn I just order, “One latte, fat and bitter.” My god it’s just coffee, you know?

  So we’re sitting at this table and I’m just playing with the foam on my latte while M is sitting there counting her sprinkles. I know she’s looking for just the right number and then she’ll add them into her coffee. It has something to do with calories, or numerology, or feng-shui. I forget. I mean, it’s just one of her quirks.

  I notice these two guys at another table and they’re really cute and I can tell they’re looking at us, but they’re trying to be all cool about it, you know like, Okay maybe I’m looking at you but if you don’t look back it’s okay because I’m secure and girls like me. That kind of thing.

  So I look away and start drinking my coffee because if they want to talk they know where to find us. And then like two minutes later I hear someone go, “Hi, my name’s Guy.”

  And I look up and one of them is standing right next to me with his hand extended, waiting to be shaken.

  So I shake his hand and go, “I’m Alex, this is M.”

  Then M looks over at the other table and goes, “Well, what about your friend over there?”

  Guy starts laughing and waves his friend over and we start rearranging the table and chairs so there’s room for everyone.

  “So, what’s your story?” M asks Guy’s friend Mark, when we’re all settled in.

  He just kind of shrugs and goes, “Well, we were just out . . .”

  “No, no, not that stuff. I mean like what do you do?”

  So Mark looks at Guy then he goes, “Oh, well, we’re both in grad school.”

  “Really?” M asks as though she’s truly fascinated. “What are you studying?”

  “We’re both studying economics. And then I’m going on to law school.” He smiles at her.

  “Hmm,” says M. “Well then maybe you should give me your card, I have a feeling I’m going to need a good lawyer someday.” She leans in and smiles and Mark has the look of a grand-prize winner.

  “So what’s your story?” he asks, leaning in closer to her.

  M looks at me briefly then goes, “Well, Alex and I are both finishing up our undergrad and planning a big trip to celebrate.”

  “A trip?”

  “Yeah. We’re planning a trip to Europe. We’re leaving in three weeks!”

  “Where are you guys going?” Guy looks at me. But I have no idea where we’re going on this fantasy trip so I just look at M.

  “Oh, we’re just traveling around. We’re doing the whole Eurailpass thing. We’ll probably end up in Greece or something. We’ll be gone for the whole summer, maybe longer.”

  “Wow, that sounds great,” he says.

  I look at Guy smiling at me and I feel really bad about lying, but now that it’s out there I have to play along. So I smile back and nod my head and say, “Doesn’t it? Doesn’t it sound great? I really can’t wait.”

  We’re finishing up our coffees when Guy goes, “Hey, I know it’s short notice and all but there’s a party tonight in Brentwood, if you guys want to go. Or if you’re busy now, I can just give you the address and stuff and maybe we can meet up later. There’s supposed to be a band, so it should go on pretty late.”

  I kind of want to go, I mean, I think it could be fun, and he’s really cute. But then M goes, “Oh, that sounds great, but we already have plans. Maybe some other time?”

  So we exchange numbers and say good-bye and when we’re back inside the car I go, “What are these other plans we supposedly have?”

  M looks at me and says, “Don’t tell me you wanted to go to that stupid party in Brentwood?”

  “How do you know it was stupid?” I ask.

  “Oh, please. It’s probably some retard frat party with a bunch of drunken college boys trying to get to third base.”

  “I thought they were nice, and really cute too,” I say, defending them.

  “Yeah? I thought they were dweebs. I’ve got something much better lined up for you anyway.”

  “What?” I ask, staring at her.

  But she just looks at me and smiles.

  Shit. I knew she was up to something back in the school parking lot when she was trying to act all spontaneous about coming up here. I mean, let’s face it, M’s always got a plan. And now, like it or not, I’m part of it.

  Chapter 27

  I’m just looking out the window, listening to some CD, and not talking to M since I’ve now asked her three times where we’re going and she just keeps saying, “You’ll see.”

  And when we pull into the driveway, I can’t say I’m surprised but I’m definitely pissed. “Why are we here?” I ask.

  She just looks at me and goes, “He invited us.”

  “Why? I thought you guys broke up?”

  “We made up.” She shrugs.

  “What? When?” I ask.

  “The other night, on the phone. And don’t be so judgmental. I really like him.”

  “But what about the panties and stuff?”

  She rolls her eyes and pulls the key from the ignition. “There is no ‘and stuff,’ it was just those stupid panties, and he explained it to me and it made sense. I was clearly overreacting.”

  “Are you kidding me?” I look at her like she’s crazy. “What could he have possibly said that could make you think you were overreacting?”

  M gives me an impatient look and says, “They have maids, and a lot of house guests. This is his parents’ house you know.”

  “So?”

  “So, the maid makes the bed. It’s not like Trevor does that. She washes the sheets too, so the underwear got tangled in the sheets in the wash and ended up in the bed like that. That’s why I didn’t find them until the next morning, they came loose in the night.”

  She looks at me and smiles and I can’t believe that she’s willing to believe a story like that. I shake my head and look at the house I refuse to go inside of.

  She opens the car door and gets out, then stops and stares at me ‘cause I’m still just sitting there. “Are you coming?” she asks.

  I turn and look at her standing there all excited to
see Trevor and totally annoyed with me, and I’m not at all happy about this. I mean, what if Connor’s here? So I just look at her and shake my head and say, “No, I’m not coming! And I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. I mean, what if Connor’s inside?”

  “Connor is inside.” She looks right at me.

  “What? Oh my god! How could you do this to me?”

  I watch her lean on the door and say, “He knows we’re coming. He wants to see you. And I know you want to see him. And you know you want to see him.”

  “He wants to see me?” I ask, looking at her suspiciously.

  “Yes.”

  “How do you know?”

  M just shrugs. “Trevor told me.”

  “If he wants to see me so bad, why hasn’t he called?”

  M looks totally annoyed when she says, “I don’t know, but now’s your chance to ask him.”

  I stare at her for a minute then look in the rearview mirror and check my makeup. “You should have warned me,” I tell her.

  “You wouldn’t have come if I told you. Come on,” she motions with her hand. “It’s gonna be great. Trust me.”

  Then she turns and walks toward the house and after watching her for a moment I get out of the car and follow.

  Trevor opens the door and hugs M and looks at me and goes, “Connor ran out to the store. He’ll be back soon.”

  And now I feel like a total loser because I know he ran out because he doesn’t want to see me. I bet he was totally suckered into this too.

  Trevor goes into the kitchen to get us something to drink and M and I go into that huge room with the pool table and I plop myself onto that same old velvet beanbag chair while M sorts through Trevor’s CDs, making piles of which ones suck and which ones rock.

  “Are his parents here?” I whisper.

  “No. And why are you whispering?” she asks, waving an Oasis CD in the air, not sure which pile to put it in.

  “I was whispering because I wasn’t sure if they were here.”

  “Oh, well they’re not,” she says placing it in the suck pile. “They’re like my parent’s, totally absentee.”

  “Maybe you have the same parents,” I say. “Do you realize you guys kind of look alike?”

  “ ’Cause we’re both blonde?” She rolls her eyes at me. “Get real.” Trevor walks into the room carrying a six-pack of beer and M puts on some vintage Hendrix CD that she’s decided does not suck. There’s still no sign of Connor, and I’m beginning to feel anxious and totally annoyed with M, so I get up, grab a beer, and go for a walk down the hall.

  As I’m leaving the room I hear Trevor say, “What’s her problem?”

  And instead of sticking up for me, M just goes, “Who knows?”

  I go outside and lay on a lounge chair by the pool. It’s quiet and peaceful, and I close my eyes and remember the dream I had last night. I dreamed that I dove into a pool without checking the depth, and my body was sleek, and fast, and careening through the water. All around me it was clear, but right in my path, right in front of me, it was all murky and I couldn’t see. I knew I could smash into the bottom at any second and that the only way to save myself was to start climbing for the surface, but I was reluctant to do that because part of me wanted to see the really deep parts. Part of me was curious to see just how bad the crash would be. When I woke up I had this feeling that soon nothing would be the same.

  So then someone who smells like soap and fresh air, walks up, casting a shadow over me and blocking what little remains of the sun. “Alex, wake up,” he says. And I open my eyes to find Connor standing over me, and my stomach goes all weird, because he’s still as gorgeous as ever. “Where’s M and Trevor?” he asks.

  I look into his eyes, but only for a second, because looking into his eyes can be dangerous, and make me feel things I don’t want to. “In that room with the pool table, listening to Hendrix,” I tell him.

  “I looked in there, I didn’t see them.”

  I shrug. “Then I don’t know. Maybe they went upstairs?”

  “Mind if I join you?” He sits on the lounge chair next to mine and looks out at the sunset. “Nice colors,” he says, motioning toward the sky.

  I look at the streaks of pink and orange and purple, colors I wouldn’t normally put together, and think how weird it is that even though I slept with him I feel really nervous now. I guess talking is always the hard part.

  He turns toward me and says, “I feel bad about the other morning.”

  I just shrug, but I don’t look at him. I focus on the horizon.

  “I remembered later that you left your car at Harry’s. How’d you get there? Cab?”

  I shake my head. “I took the bus.” I look right at him.

  “You’re kidding?” he says, looking surprised.

  “I’m not kidding,” I tell him. “But it wasn’t that bad.”

  “I’m sorry”

  “Are you?” I search his face, trying to find out if it’s true.

  “Yeah, really.” He runs his hand through his hair and he looks pretty uncomfortable.

  “You could have told me that at the sushi restaurant,” I say.

  “I know.” He shrugs.

  I hold his gaze for a moment, then shake my head. “You know what? Forget it, okay? It really doesn’t matter anymore.” I look out at the sunset again, and try to get a grip on myself.

  “So what have you been doing?” he asks after awhile.

  I take a deep breath and decide to be honest for a change. “Nothing, just school and work,” I say.

  “Where do you work?”

  “At a department store. I’ve worked there for almost two years now.”

  “Do you like it?” he asks.

  I shrug. “It’s okay for now. You know, for being a minor and all.” I look over at him and he gives me a worried look, but I just laugh.

  “When do you graduate?” he asks.

  “Soon. A few weeks.” I look at him and smile.

  “What are you going to do next?”

  I look out at the sinking sun and think how funny it is we’re having this kind of conversation after all that’s happened. “Honestly?” I say, “I really don’t know.”

  “Aren’t you going to college?” he asks.

  “I messed up. I don’t think it’s gonna happen for me.”

  “You could go to, what do you call it? Community college?”

  I shake my head and look at him. “God, you sound like my counselor, Mrs. Gross.”

  “A wise woman.” He smiles.

  “She wears polyester pants and sensible shoes.”

  “A fashion-challenged wise woman.”

  “Maybe.” I sit up and put my arms around my knees.

  “What do you want to do tonight?” He looks at me.

  “I don’t know.” I shrug, and look away.

  “Do you want to get out of here?”

  “And go where?” I ask cautiously.

  “I don’t know, dinner, a club, a movie, somewhere.”

  “But what about M and Trevor?”

  “I’ve got a feeling they might not surface for awhile,” he says.

  “Yeah, you’re probably right.” I roll my eyes. God, I can’t believe M. And then I look at Connor and say, “I have to tell you, I was tricked into coming here. And now I’m kind of stuck and have no way to get home.”

  “I’ll take you home if you want,” he says, giving me a concerned look.

  I shake my head. “It’s pretty far. Besides, I’m a pro at the whole bus thing now.”

  “You’re not riding the bus again.”

  Connor leans toward me and reaches for my hand. I’m not sure I want this to happen, but I fold my fingers around his anyway, because even though I spent a week and a half trying to get over him, it doesn’t mean that I did.

  His face is close to mine when he says, “I’m glad you’re here. I knew you were coming, but I didn’t know you were tricked into it. I get the feeling you don’t want to hang out with me
.”

  He squeezes my hand and I can feel my entire nervous system running amok. But then I remember how he made me feel disposable and I can’t just undo that, so I look him right in the eyes and force myself to say, “Well, I’m not sure that I do.”

  He looks surprised and shakes his head and goes, “Well at least you’re honest.”

  And I go, “Yeah, for a change.” But it’s not the truth. It’s a big fat lie. Because the real truth is that I want to be with him more than anything.

  We go inside the house and while Connor gets a beer, I go searching for the bathroom, only I don’t know where the downstairs ones are and this house is so big it’s confusing. So I go upstairs to one that I used before.

  I stand in front of the mirror and stare at my reflection and wonder what to do. I can’t deny the way I feel about Connor, even though I know those feelings are risky. I mean, it took me like, nine days to stop obsessing over him, and now he just appears in front of me and it’s like all the bad stuff never happened.

  But what if he really is sorry? What if after being without me, he decided that he misses me and really wants me back? I know he didn’t exactly say that, but he did say that he knew I was coming over and that he was glad about it.

  I reach into my bag, find my lip gloss, and reapply. The best thing to do is just fight the overwhelming urge to jump on top of him and insist on hanging out here at the house in a mellow, platonic way. M and Trevor have got to come up for air eventually and it will be a lot safer for me, emotionally, to not be alone with him. That’s it. I’ll just hang out and be strong. I look at myself in the mirror one final time, and head out the door.

  Halfway down the hall I can hear music coming from one of the rooms, and I’m thinking everyone must be in there. So I push the door open and start to walk in when I see Trevor lying on the couch. He looks up at me and then over at M who doesn’t see me because she’s busy leaning over a desk, half naked, snorting a line of coke. I just stand there watching her, and I’m totally in shock. When the mirror is clean she looks at Trevor and goes, “Is there any more?” And then she looks over and sees me and goes, “Oh my god, Alex!”

  I run down the hall, down the stairs, and into the den where I find Connor sitting on the couch, finishing up his beer. I stand in front of him, short of breath, and go, “Let’s go. Let’s just go somewhere.”